The day that I found out that I was pregnant right after Valentine’s day, I had decided to give my son away. I just wasn’t sure to whom. Do I give him away to the system? Do I give him away to death (abortion)? Do I give him to a family who cannot have children? There I was on my toilet, a 25-year-old video gamer, and a loner. I had no concern for anyone else other than myself and the characters that I lived through in my video games. How was I supposed to sacrifice enough to raise another human being?

Months passed, and my belly grew. I knew there was a baby inside of me but out of sight, out of mind, right. I thought that if I didn’t acknowledge it, maybe it would go away. Perhaps I could continue my life for me, myself and I. Then that day came where a doctor told me that I was having a boy! Oh Boy! I remember going into the bathroom stall and crying. The times that I did acknowledge “it,” I had always imagined a girl. With no man, I set on my journey to raise a man. I named my son Greyson to remind me of the Grace I desperately needed to have for myself and others.

Now with a name, how could I give this baby away and to whom? Who wants a boy? I imagined a dirty little boy that couldn’t sit still and would rub mud on my clothes or wipe his boogers on the couch. Thoughts of wildness and adventurous game-play made me smile now and then. The idea of a son started to comfort me and bring me joy. A Boy mom. Who knew!

I realized the moment that I peed on that stick and texted my best friend that I was pregnant, who thought I was joking by the way. The moment that I decided to keep my child and embark on the journey of being a single parent. The moment that I decided, I am enough for Greyson and was chose to be his mother. These were all moments that confirmed that I gave my son away as soon as I knew I conceived.

To whom did I give my son? I gave him to God. I put this baby in God’s hands because I knew that I was not able to provide, protect, or prepare this child on my own. I told God if you want him, you must change my heart and my mind. I guess we’re having a boy. God, you hold this baby in my belly, and you birth this baby out of my body! I gave my son away to God. I had to, I am not capable of making the sacrifices needed to put another human being before myself, but God is, and I know God removes that pride and that selfishness.

Look, this parenting journey isn’t easy for me. I have a mental breakdown about once a week and a few times in front of my son. There is hope and comfort in the back of my mind because I know that I know that my son does not belong to me, but he belongs to God. Knowing this is my strength and my motivation. I am not alone, and my son is in the best place there can ever be. He is in God’s hands.